According to the NC Department of Justice and Attorney General Roy Cooper, 107 North Carolinians lost their lives to Domestic Violence in 2010.  These numbers may seem small to some, however on a broader scale, it’s showing statistically that the number of Domestic Violence related deaths may be on the rise.

The June issue of Glamour magazine reports that on average, this “secret” is killing four women a day in the United States.  Women fear that being in an abusive relationship should be kept secret and that if they are victim to abuse, that they are in some form responsible for it.    No relationship should cause more pain than joy.  Love doesn’t hurt.  Although no relationship is ever perfect, no one deserves to be subjected to violent relationships.  Domestic Violence is so prevalent in our communities that it cannot be targeted to one specific group of individuals.  Individuals in the Hollywood scene have recently been placed in media headlines for acts of violence towards their spouses/significant others.  (Ex: Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson.)  In sports, athletes like Matt Barnes and Floyd Mayweather have also recently been accused of assaulting their significant others.  Let’s not forget that my sister was a victim of domestic violence and she was a member of Law Enforcement.  Abuse has no boundaries.

Many people often wonder why women choose to stay with their abusers or ignore signs of potential abuse.  It’s definitely not because they are weak, or defenseless.  It is usually because they have become so overwhelmed by the abuse that they can no longer see a positive outcome; they fear for their safety and/or a loved one’s safety;   and because they are often ashamed.  It shouldn’t be an embarrassment to say that you are a victim of Domestic abuse however it is hard to admit it.  And sometimes our law enforcement agencies don’t make it as easy to seek assistance.  I have heard of several cases in which a victim cannot receive protection from an abuser “…if the magistrate is not in”, or “…because he left the scene”, or even, “…most women don’t want to press charges, so we can’t do anything unless you initiate the process”.  But, we have to continue to push through the obstacles and know that there is a sense of rehabilitation that comes from standing up against your abuser.

As victims, we have to encourage each other.  As sisters/brothers in Christ, we must do more than just pray for each other.  If someone you know is involved in an abusive relationship, speak up about it.  Don’t insult or discredit the abuser.  That doesn’t provide the support the victim needs.  Show that you are concerned for their well being.  Be patient.  We all tend to say things, like “if that were me…”, but the truth is, if you haven’t been in that situation, you don’t know how you would react.

Let’s stop making excuses for Domestic Violence abusers.  Let’s start creating awareness.  There are millions of women who are suffering from this so called secret.  And we need to start talking.

I’ve attached some links to provide information for anyone that may need assistance.  Please use them.  Most are even set up for quick escape, if you fear that your internet usage may be monitored by your abuser.

1)      Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) is a national hotline for domestic violence victims.

2)      www.womenslaw.org is a site provided to let you know your rights as a victim.

3)      www.ncadv.org is the website for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. This site also provides contacts to your state Coalitions.

4)      Contact your local Law Enforcement Agencies for area shelters and support agencies.

5)      ALWAYS, Call 911 for immediate assistance.

You have got to be careful the people you allow to share your space in this life.  You must also be mindful of those who speak into your life, breathe your air, and share your space and even your bed.  Despite the feelings of your flesh we must realize that everything that may feel good is not good for you.  I once heard someone say that the devil knows your weaknesses, why would he waste time trying to tempt you with someone who is light and bright when it is milk chocolate that tickles your fancy.  If drugs are not your struggle it would be a waste to tempt you with that. The real temptation is the desire of your heart, your real weakness, or passion or pleasures.  They could be your desire for wealth, or prestige, or even something as simple as a desire for company.  Whatever your desire, it is your duty to be aware of yourself and those you allow to be close to you so that in your living of life you are not lost.

A successful undergraduate student pondered as to why she could not find a stable mate.  She dated guys that were in college and those that were working.  She went to all the parties and never found anyone who was really “into “her.  She never found that person who seemed to really care about her and her needs.  She wanted to have someone who inquired about her academics and her sorority work.  Someone she could share her ups and downs with.  There were many dates and many introductions, but nothing of value to her ever appeared.  Until one day she met a man who was gentle and kind and seemed to put her above all.

It was not too long before the young woman had fallen completely in love with him.  He was everything that she wanted.  They spent all of their free time together, before class, after class, on the weekends.  You rarely saw them alone.  As time went on, the students’ life began to change.  She didn’t have time for the sorority meetings, or girls’ night out or anything outside of their relationship.  Her life had become this man.  Whenever her friends would mention that they missed her or they wanted to see her, she made excuses.  When she spoke to her boyfriend about their concerns, that she needed some space, for some time for herself, he told her they were jealous.  The young woman did have moments of clarity, moments when she just wanted to be with her friends and do girl things.  Sometimes she did go out, but when she returned it was horrible.  There wasn’t anything physical- in the beginning.  It was just yelling, arguing and belittling.  It got to the point where the young woman didn’t even want to go out anymore, because it wasn’t worth the hassle when she returned.  Her world got smaller and smaller.  Any argument about anything got worse and worse.  The yelling turned into grabbing and the grabbing turned into pushing and the pushing led to bruises and busted lips.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into years, until one day the young woman looked at her life and couldn’t believe what she had become.  The once intelligent, outgoing, outspoken woman was now a small fraction of that person and she could barely find herself inside.  It was then, that she made her plan of escape on the journey to find her former self.  It wouldn’t be until years later that she could actually say that she was a victim of Domestic Violence.  That young woman was me.

Now I am older and wiser.  My relationship with God is real. I attribute my experiences and faith in Him to the strong woman that I am today.  I use my life as a testimony that God is still and has always been good.  His love for me is greater than I could ever imagine for myself and it is greater than any love anyone (man or woman) could ever have for me.

This Easter season is a constant reminder of what God whispered in my ear, while I was in the ER waiting for an x-ray.  I heard it as clear as the voice of the doctor in the room with me.  HE said “JESUS paid it ALL”.  That was it, just four words I had heard hundreds of times before, but this time it seemed to have a greater meaning.  Jesus paid it all.  Jesus paid it all.  You mean Jesus paid it all?  So I don’t have to be here?  I don’t have to allow myself to be abused verbally and physically.  I don’t have to endure my heart being crushed and crucified by the words of someone who wears the title of lover?  He paid it ALL?  Really?  So my debt is to Christ and no one else?  God are you sure?

I wish I could tell you that I jumped up out of that hospital and never went back, but that would be a lie.  I did go back.  But believe me when I tell you I was a new creature.  The same way the relationship morphed into the dysfunction that it was it took some time for me to untangle myself from all that I was tied to.  But it did happen.  I did escape what at times felt like a no win situation.  I did discover that God gives you what you need when you need it, and many of my friends whom I had shunned earlier were the same ones who embraced me with open arms and wiped my tears away.  God has helped me rebuild my life brick by brick, day by day.  It is only HIM who has fostered forgiveness in my heart and hope for my future.  My past doesn’t determine where I will go or with whom.  I have the power to determine who shares my space and so do you!

By Shequana Pulliam-Sidberry

Recently, I watched the interview between Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry. It disgusts me that people in this world can cause and inflict so much pain and hurt on another individual. I thought about how this man has been so successful and how he has endured so much in his lifetime; yet, he had the faith to overcome those obstacles and setbacks. It reassured me that the battles we face are not ours, but the Lord’s. I sat in tears listening to Mr. Perry’s recollections of abuse and molestation, and I gathered one important piece of information from that interview, despite it all, we must forgive.

I began to think about my own personal struggles, and recent situations that have left me bitter and angry. In particular, I think most about my sister’s murder. When I lost my sister, I was angry. I was confused, and at times I even questioned God’s plan. Why would he take away my only sister, my mother’s baby, and the mother of my niece? But then I came to realize that God took my sister away from her suffering and worrying here on earth, and gave her the eternal life she so deserved. In reflecting on the media frenzied Chris Brown and Rhianna scenario, I remembered how my niece used to love to listen to Mr. Brown’s music, and how once this violent story surfaced, she grew to build anger. She sympathized with Rhianna and her pain. She wondered what would have happened if Rhianna ended up like her mother. This little eight year old girl, refused to listen to his music. And I too, made the decision to stand with my niece and no longer support his music career.

On Mr. Perry’s interview with Oprah, he mentioned how only when you forgive, can you be free from the bitterness and the anger that you withhold. He mentioned how he learned to forgive his father, who abused him for so many years. After we left my sister’s funeral, my mother did one of the most admirable things I’ve ever seen. She stated that she forgave him for taking her baby’s life, and she called the funeral home that housed his body, and offered condolences to his mother because she too, had lost a child.

Now, things are finally coming together. Rhianna stated that she has no regrets regarding her relationship with Chris Brown and she actually learned and grew from it. I realized that she had forgiven him. I remembered my mom and her forgiveness toward him. I heard Tyler Perry say that he forgave his abuser and the molesters in his life. I remembered my sister telling me about a week before she passed, that she had forgiven him, and that she didn’t want to block her blessings by being angry. And lastly, I remember my now nine year old niece telling me one day, that she forgave Chris Brown for hurting Rhianna. And as his current song played on the radio, she said “its okay, we don’t have to change the station anymore.” I had finally received my wake up call. It’s time to forgive.

Matthew 5:44 tells us to love our enemies and to pray for those who persecute us. I learned to forgive. Forgiveness is the reason for being able to tell my sister’s story, without anger and how I can encourage others to move forward. I’ve learned to speak out on abuse so that I can heal. I’ve learned that only once I can forgive, will I continue to receive my blessings from Heaven.

Ask yourself, when is the last time you were able to forgive?

By Shequana Pulliam-Sidberry

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 (New International Version)

With that being said, I encountered the true meaning of that scripture on August 6^th, 2008. I awoke that morning to the loud screaming sirens of police cars and the rumbling sounds of a helicopter above my head. I was confused and dazed by the thoughts of what possibly could have happened in my neighborhood, but oblivious to the fact that the next four hours were going to change my life for good. My phone rings. The voice on the other side of the phone says, “Your sister’s been shot.” The rush of adrenaline through my veins helped me gather my thoughts on the way to the hospital. I clearly was not prepared for the news I received, nor for what I was about to see. She received one gunshot wound to her arm, and one to her head. She was alive by nerve stimulation only. I watched her lay in that bed, breathing through a machine, and knowing that she couldn’t hear any words that came out of my mouth. There was nothing else left for the doctors to do. She inhaled. That was her final breath of air. She was pronounced dead. I prayed. I kissed her. I promised to take care of her baby. I told her I loved her. And most of all, I was thankful that she was finally at peace. You see, it was that morning of August 6^th, 2008, that my only sister, Detention Officer Tarica Ann Pulliam, was murdered by her ex-boyfriend.

God is faithful, his faith and love helped me to cope with loss, cooperate with detectives, care for my family, prepare for her arrangements, and maintain a smile at a time, when I thought I’d lost it all. God is always on time. He never left me. His loving arms held me close, when I couldn’t even bear to shed a tear.

Unlike most domestic violence stories that we tend to hear, my sister’s story was different. She actually took the initiative to leave after he assaulted her for the first time. She didn’t stay for things to get better. She made the decision to remove herself from any other potential abuse. She was a mother, and officer of the law, and she knew that her next decisions were critical. Despite his threat to take her life if she reported her abuse to the authorities, she knew that it had to be done. She moved out, she filed her restraining orders, went to court and stood boldly across from him and expressed her concern for the safety of her and her daughter. She was brave. And most importantly, she forgave him for is wrong doings. She knew that her blessings would be blocked if she withheld anger and hatred for his actions. She had faith that all things would work out because she loved the Lord.

To most of you, this story sounds tragic, but to me her life was a blessing. I was blessed to have her in my life for 27 years. We have memories and bonds that will never be broken. Her walk in faith gave her the courage to leave her situation, and take a stand against the wrongs of an abuser. She broke the curse of having this trickle down to her daughter. Her death has saved the lives of so many other domestic violence victims, because she empowered them to walk in faith, and walk away. I hope that it encourages another reader to hopefully do the same.

Be Encouraged. Walk in Faith. Be Blessed.

Escape to Sisterhood is geared towards renewing the mind, body, and spirit within women. Oftentimes, women devote so much time to family, work, and friends, that they often neglect themselves. The organizers are devoted to making this weekend change those mindsets, as they venture to renew the “strength within us” through workshops, networking, fitness, and relaxation.

This great gathering will feature keynote speaker Evangelist Ericka D. Jackson, vendors and entertainment.  For more information call 910-473-0239, visit Escape2Sisterhood.com or check out the links below:

Escape to Sisterhood II

2009 Escape to Sisterhood participant package

It is estimated that every 9 seconds, a woman is battered.

-The Department of Justice, 1991

In the United States, a woman is more likely to be assaulted, injured, raped, or killed by a male partner than any other assailant.

- “Resource Availability for Women at Risk”
A. Browne and K.R. Williams

Four women each day and more than 1,000 women each year, are killed by their partners.

- Partner Abuse in Illinois: Knowing
the Facts and Breaking the Cycle
IDPH, Report to the General Assembly
1996

This week marks Tarica’s one year death anniversary and the family has decided to honor her by celebrating her life, rather than remembering the tragedy.  By doing so, they have organized along with the Domestic Violence Shelter and Services Office in Wilmington, NC, the “Remember My Name Celebration Book Drive”.  The book drive started on July 18^th and will end on August 18^th and will benefit women and children that either live in Domestic Violence Shelters or participate in programs provided by the Domestic Violence offices, and the women that are incarcerated in the New Hanover County Detention Facility, where Tarica was employed.  Books should contain content that is motivational, inspirational, or devotional to keep them encouraged after surviving domestic violence.  School supplies for the upcoming school year are also being accepted. 

For more information about the book drive, please contact The Open Gate at 910.343.0703.  Or, for more information about Tarica’s story, email taricalives@hotmail.com.

See story:http://www.starnewsonline.com/section/news4522, http://www.wect.com/Global/story.asp?S=8797379, http://www.wwaytv3.com/node/17179

Both parties remained silent about the incident and even reunited briefly.  Brown avoided doing time with a plea agreement.  Brown shared in the past that he had witnessed domestic violence first hand throughout his life.  He never expected to become “one of those people.” While Rihanna’s career has continued, Brown has kept a low profile. His music was yanked from many radio stations and records sales dropped tremendously.  Many people (including believers) have shared varying opinions on whether or not Brown should continue his career and questioned his responsibility as a role model.

Chris Brown, as well as other entertainers, are in a position to influence our culture in major ways.  Our culture and its idolatrous nature (like the children of Israel) likes to put people up only to be disappointed when they “fail” us.  Instead of looking to our Heavenly Father we exalt men and idealistic or utopian caste systems that give our flesh something to strive for.

Before we get the splinter out of Chris Brown’s eye we need to get the planks out of our eyes.  We may not be abusers but, we have some areas where we have allowed the enemy to get a foothold and we close our eyes to them.  This leads to stumbling blocks that we trip over and we cause others to trip over them as well.  Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. We all deserve God’s wrath, no matter what the sin but, 1 John 1:9 reads, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

In life, we often seek the approval, validation and forgiveness of our peers and never want to be ostracized. No one wants to be remembered for the negative or unflatterering behaviors that we exhibit.  We must remember that we should not define ourselves by man’s standards, but by God’s.   Matthew 6:14-15  Let’s pray that Mr. Brown has sought God’s forgiveness and receives the new life that is available to us all through Christ Jesus.

Just imagine what would happen if some of the most influential entertainers came to Christ.  How many of their fans would follow them?  Remember, love the person, hate the sin.

37 Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; 38 Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest. Matt 9:37-38 (KJV)

PRAY FOR MORE WORKERS…

Due to the alarming accounts of domestic violent acts on women every 15 seconds, First Family Films is attempting to expose an ongoing epidemic. The Laying on of Hands once viewed will prayerfully awaken “the spirit of Deborah” and empower women across this country to unite during Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Domestic violence happens inside and outside of the body of Christ.  Many use religion to justify controlling and oppressive behaviors.  This documentary is said to be an analysis of those unspoken rules that have existed with regards to “submissive wives”and much more.